The Tamperer featuring Maya
These Italian purveyors of hackneyed Europop briefly stumbled into our lives in the late 90s, like a merry tramp accidentally wandering into a private party at the Hilton. After treating us to a hearty rendition of Feel It, they were swiftly shown the door and were never heard of again, presumed lying in a ditch somewhere outside of Florence.
The album:
Fabulous (1998)
The opening track confidently declares that If You Buy This Record (Your Life Will Be Better). Information on how many people heeded this advice is difficult to come by, and such is the lack of online presence, one might surmise that many in the late 90s missed this great opportunity to improve their fortunes.
It’s shit, by the way. And not in a ‘so shit it’s good’ way either. Track 5, I Love Being A Girl (I like every flavour / Boys in every style / I like it when they feed me / I like it when they smile) could be a collaboration between the Crazy Frog and the corpse of Jade Goody, such is the level of talent, subtlety and wit on display.
In fact, it is such a standard bearer for pathetically inane lyricism that I felt the need to do what no man on the internet has done thus far, and transcribe the lyrics:
http://theworstsongseverwrittenbyman.blogspot.co.uk/2014/11/i-love-being-girl-by-tamperer-featuring.html
The vibe:
The bells are a direct edict from the Lord: thou shalt drop all distractions and make thy way to the church dance floor for renditions of The Worm, The Robot, The Macarena and any other clichéd school disco routine.
Lyrics:
You got it on the side
A little one night thing
I thought it over and this time I will forgive you
Well I'm not letting go
But don't forget I know
You made your bed and she was in it, no no no
What's she gonna look like with a chimney on her?
What's she gonna look like with a chimney on her?
What's she gonna look like with a chimney on her?
What's she gonna look like with a chimney on her?
Well I'm not blaming you
But she's still hanging around
And she's so crazy, tell ya now I just don't trust her
She thinks she's right on time
But I think she crossed the line
And I'm ready for the ride, I'm ready if it's fighting time
What she's gonna look like with a chimney on her?
What's she gonna look like with a chimney on her?
What's she gonna look like with a chimney on her?
Annotation:
The song is clearly a message from Maya to her other half concerning a third party of the female gender, so first thing’s first, who is ‘she’? A ‘little one night thing’ that one might put ‘on the side’?
Sounds like Maya and her other half have run out of booze and so have called in a Knighthawk delivery, an expensive course of action but when you’re desperate, you’re desperate. Maya is quick to forgive the other half for having drunk the house dry, and in Verse 2 is rightfully irritated by the fact the delivery is late and yet the driver, unusually a woman in this instance and presumably contacted by phone, is insistent that she is not. However the suggestion that ‘it’s fighting time’ seems a bit excessive – there may have been traffic or something.
Why the delivery lady spent time previously in their bed is unclear. What I do know is that making a bed while there’s someone still in it is just downright stupid. You’re liable to wake them up and ultimately they’re just going to get out and mess up your work all over again – a little patience wouldn’t go amiss.
The chorus is devoted to asking how the delivery woman might appear in the unlikely event of a chimney being balanced upon her person.
Conclusion:
Being a deliverer of alcohol late at night seems dangerous territory for a lone woman, so kudos to the unnamed driver for her unperturbed bravery, even if her timekeeping leaves something to be desired.
Maya meanwhile is belligerent and curious, willing to contemplate violence as a response to poor customer service, inquisitive as to the visual consequences of human beings wearing household structures.
The boyfriend sounds like a bit of a domestic moron who doesn’t wait for individuals to get out of bed before making them.
The main thrust of this song is just an inquiry, and if someone had just bothered to crack out MS Paint all those years ago, then we could have saved ourselves the bother of this whole palaver.
She would look like this:
*Drawn on Windows 7 version of Paint which would not have been available in 1998. One might expect the results to be similar.
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